Like most parents battling the tail end of a harsh New England winter, I scoured a local freebie parents newspaper to check out local events and happenings as the February vacation approached. In between articles providing foolproof methods to get kids to eat more veggies, and highlighting first signs of depression in a pre-teen, I was struck by how many advertisements it contained. Not only tempting offers to purchase delightful designer children’s items, or to investigate wonderful sounding educational institutions for my kids. It was stacked with adverts for programs and services which could improve, nurture, and train my child beyond recognition and into super-human perfection. Around thirty classes which could help them improve their grades. At least twenty programs or institutions which would evaluate their mental health problems, psychological well-being and improve their self-confidence. More than forty five programs to make them the best dancers, artists, athletes, or chess players they could wish to be.
I don’t object to any of these in theory, and daresay if I were drowning in dollars, my seven year old would be bouncing from dance studio to pottery class then trampolining across town to a cupcake-making session at a local bakery. And if my teen was battling an eating disorder, I’d be desperately finding ways to help them beyond what my bank balance could manage. Because I’d do anything for my child. What I find hard to process is how important this has become in our culture and how we put our trust into hour-long sessions of participation and evaluation to ensure our child is going to be the fulfilled person that we want them to be. Physical, emotional, and social well-being can seemingly be taken care off with a check book and a willing parent with a mini-van. But what about our child’s spiritual training? I don’t see any three-by-three inch paragraph promising to ‘train up your child in the way he/she should go’ for a monthly fee. And what exactly does that mean?
We all heard last year's interview with a Hollywood Dad as he condemned a well-known Media Empire and its ‘people’ for the destruction of his famous daughter and ultimately his family. What I saw was a glossy admission of his fairly catastrophic failure as a father. And perhaps more sadly, his open declaration that any faith they had been shaken because of his lack of judgment. As I put down my parent info paper, I questioned myself. When did we start putting our hope in coaches, experts and managers to raise up our kids rather than in the creator God who gave them to us in the first place? And why should their spiritual journey towards Jesus receive much less attention and coaching from their parents than their earthly journey towards recognizable achievements? Secular research suggests that a child’s moral compass is set by the time they are nine years old. If that doesn’t scare the bejeebers out of most parents I don’t know what should. Personally I think that there’s a whole lot more that my kids need guidance with than a sense of right or wrong and it’s going to take a lot more than 9 years to work on it. I pray, however, that their spiritual compass will be set towards Jesus a lot sooner.
During our last Christmas vacation, we squeezed in a brief lunch visit with some old friends. The kind who you do not see for a long time, but when you do it is as if you were never apart. They’d been hosting guests for a couple of nights. We arrived early and as the guests hadn’t left yet, we shook hands and introduced ourselves as they packed up their belongings and corralled their children. This smart, forty-ish couple had four beautiful children ranging from a toddler to a 12 year old. The father, a successful business man who gave off an air of authority in all his mannerisms, stepped into his expensive, shinning, powerful chariot of a vehicle and swept out the driveway. Mom loaded the four kids into her large, expensive and very practical SUV. She strapped them in, and dealt with whines and complaints about who was sitting in the front, and then got out of the driver’s seat to retrieve something from the house. Smiled, waved, and left about five minutes after her husband with the usual melee and noise that accompanies most journeys when the kids just left somewhere that they didn’t want to leave.
I questioned our friends about whether this was normal practice; did Dad distance himself from the practicality of driving in the family vehicle on a regular basis? Why did they both come in separate cars in the first place? And wouldn’t it have been nice if he’d taken his (only) son with him in his car? Oh yes, came the reply. He’s loves his kids, but he just doesn’t do the hands-on stuff. He provides well for the family but leaves the practical details to his wife. It’s just not his thing. And they live about 5 miles away.
I know that as parents of the Christian faith it is tempting to be like that father and leave the practice of leading our kids towards faith in Jesus to someone or something else. Think figuratively of that mom as any Sunday morning kids program, a Vacation Bible camp, Bible story DVD or worship cd. They play a huge and important part in our kids’ lives and are driving them towards where they need to be spiritually; safely, with a bunch of friends, and with some fun on the way. But there will be days when ‘Mom’ needs to take time away or hand off to a third party to watch her kids for a time. And who knows who that will be. Hopefully not the ‘people’ of a certain media empire. It’s important that we’re all in the same vehicle when it comes to our kid’s journey of faith. I don’t want to keep looking in my rear view mirror to see how my kids are progressing separately in a different vehicle. I don’t want to meet them back at the house and ask them how their drive was. I want to enjoy the view out of the same windshield and the sunroof, seeing the same things as they do. I want to hear them ask questions about driving and navigation from a childlike perspective. Just in the same way that I want to re-learn from them how delightful a child-like faith in Jesus can be.
Road trips are exciting. You never know what you’re going to see out of the car window as you clock up mile after mile. There’s an anticipation of reaching your goal by a certain time. The landscape can be breathtaking. They can also be tiring and frustrating and the car can be a complete mess when you’re riding together for a long period of time. Sometimes we can take the long way around and there are times when we’ll go in the wrong direction. But we will get to our final destination with careful navigation. If we share the driving with someone else we can often be there ahead of schedule.
As parents, it’s our responsibility to be the driving force in our kids’ faith journey towards Jesus. We can definitely use some help with the navigation and driving, and it’s important for our faith community to take a responsibility for loving and leading our kids in that direction. But our children learn most from us, and as we reflect Jesus in our own lives they’ll be able to discover something greater than any class, program or therapist can ever offer them. A God who knows them by name, who loves them just as they are and who cares about every detail of their young lives.
No check book required and mini-vans are entirely optional.
Gorgeously written as always, and so many great ideas to chew on!
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