Like many twenty-somethings in the 1990's I emotionally connected with the three men and three women in New York who graced our TV screen every Friday night. Like my peers, I wanted to have that close knit bunch of quirky but essentially like-minded people having my back. And to have the unique bond with a couple of other 'girlfriends' where we knew what each was thinking, where we could give relationship or fashion advice without fear of rebuff. But those kind of intense, know-everything-about-each-other friendships, are obviously not realistic. And if they were, they would be emotionally unhealthy and practically unsustainable. And yet, there was always a feeling that I was socially handicapped because I didn't fit this profile where my friends meant everything, and everything else may as well mean nothing.
As sure as the NBC writers ran out of plot lines for those six gorgeous Californians, hindsight shows me that our perspectives on friendships will surely change. From the moment we enter high school, into our early careers and perhaps marriage and parenthood, the flux of friendship is part of our journey through adolescence and beyond. When our good teenage friends attend colleges hundreds or thousands of miles from us,we try hard to maintain consistent contact and attempt to recreate a familiar pattern when we gather during vacation. But it soon becomes clear that we can't always go back to that ideal because we change, as do our circles of friends.
Perhaps one of the biggest influences on our relationships is when one of our friends marries outside of our 'group'. Very often, we have nothing in common with their spouse, and more than likely, neither do our own partners/spouses. I think this is more pronounced for the guys. When we were first married, (quite young!) I made a serious effort to include my husbands single friends in our lives. They regularly came for dinner, he'd continue to play music with them, and I'd overlook their insults about my cooking and their bad habits because I really wanted them to be a part of our lives.Sadly, as each one married someone we didn't know, the communications abruptly stopped, and we accepted the fact that he/we weren't going to see them anymore. When you rely on receiving a Christmas card to prove you're still connected, then you're clutching at straws. And the notion that the last time you see your friend is at their wedding, is not fictional. It does happen.
Facebook has attempted to redefine what a friend is. I know someone who has 2,146 friends. Seriously? Could you dine, vacation, commiserate, mourn and celebrate with all those people? Because I think that's what we're supposed to do when we share our lives with others. And that's what the scriptwriters nailed when they created that eccentric group. Sure, we can put our Facebook friends into circles, and groups, and be in control of what we tell and share with them, but doesn't that just make them acquaintances?
Our recent transition from our faith community left us with that whole question about how our relationships with church friends would be affected. A few months on, it's obvious to us that our relationships with the people who know and love us, and who we spent time with, haven't changed. In fact, we feel that they've strengthened because we are more deliberate about putting value on meeting with them. We still socialize, support, and talk with one another. And for me I hope that 2012 is going to see me being even more deliberate - calling, visiting, writing cards, and spending too much time over expensive coffee drinks together. Interestingly enough, 4 of my very good female friends aren't even on Facebook.
I am a fan of Facebook. I love seeing photos of my family around the world. I enjoy the humor and comment and insight that my extremely witty friends bring through their postings. The joy of re-connecting with a primary school friends is notable. And I like to celebrate successes and milestones instantly as my smart phone allows. But as an emotional being, I need more than typeface to really enrich my relationships and give them context and meaning.
And now, I need to go and post this on my wall. Could it BE any easier?!
